I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.