Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
