I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.