drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
wat bout pragnant strippers??
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.