I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow