I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??