I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.