Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.