Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...