Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
