Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were