my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.