just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.