I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
