woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey