I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down