my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!