my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"