You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.