just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"