guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard