I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.