The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.