she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think this conversation is over.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.