ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
