Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think this conversation is over.