I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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