It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.