She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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