I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.