Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...