So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"