Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around