I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
