Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007