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He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
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