I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
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Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down