September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Church boner. Awkwardddd
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero