She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.