my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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