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my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
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