A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.