I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.