IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."