Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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