I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".