So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
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ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport