And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
