It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there