Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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